- For emails from coworkers in DLC levels, see Emails from Coworkers (DLC)
Emails from colleagues are printed notes the player receives upon completion of a level, as a way to add further immersion to the game. They are posted in the Office along with any relevant Ending Messages.
The emails are usually angry or spiteful in content, and often in the form of death threats. They fall into three basic categories, dependent on the player's score:
- Promotion Envy (score 70% and above; "Acceptable", "Excellent", or Employee of the Month ratings)
- Goodbye Notes (score 69% and below; "Awful" rating, Player is Fired)
- Company Shut-Down (score -25% and under, received by punching out leaving a bigger mess)
It should be noted that none of the actions or threats in the emails are actually carried out during gameplay.
Date: 05/09/2184 11:45 AM
One day, and that day may never come, you will be cleaning when suddenly you find yourself stuck in an airlock, or under a lift.
You will be mopping blood when a panel hits you on the head.
You will be operating the Slosh-O-matic when it suddenly sucks you in.
I am a patient person, I can wait until the time is right.
Everytime you do a good job, remember that!
Date: 06/09/2184 11:45 AM
Yo what up, bitch!
You totally fucked me over, asshole.
I'm coming for you, dickhead.
You won't know me, but I'll know you, bitch!
-Your fucking nightmare, yo!
Date: 06/09/2184 2:31 AM
Dear asshole colleague:
Next time you take a promotion from me, Ima gonna shove you in the incinerator thing!
This station is full of dangerous shit, no bodies gonna ask questions when another worker dies horribly, and believe me I know all the horrible places.
When I'm through with you, I'm gonna enjoy mopping up your sick ass body!
-One pissed colleague
Date: 06/09/2184 12:01 PM
You stink like doggy doo doo, dude.
Your songs/movies/art/work/face sucks, bad!
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Date: 06/09/2184 1:05 PM
You're fired, LOLOLOLOLOL!!:
LOL! You loser, you got fired!
I can't wait to be shot of you, jackass.
I look forward to working alone, or maybe I'll get a partner. Even 'Scratchy-Crag' Craig would be better than you!
This is a good day for me, but not for you LOL!!!
-An 'Employee', lol!
Date: 05/09/2184 5:52 PM
About fucking time!:
I've been waiting so long for this, and finally they fired your ass!
I'd kiss the suit who finally put your name on the list.
Now I won't have to suffer your pathetic cleaning style anymore, always swabbing those floors like it's a pustule.
I think I'm gonna celebrate by getting as drunk as I can on Fat Man, hallelujah!
-One gleeful homie!
Date: 06/09/2184 4:05 PM
DEAR PIECE OF SHIT:
YOU GOD DAMN ASSHOLE!!!!!
Oh I am so joining the others on the lynch list!
Fuck you man, fuck you!
-A spiteful ex-colleague!
Date: 06/09/2184 4:11 PM
Dear Mr/Mrs.Scum Bag:
You will feel pain, you will be in agony, and then you will feel nothing.
Thanks to your god damn incompetence, I've been retrenched.
Now that I have lots of time on my hands, I will make it my personal mission to make you suffer in every way posssible!
You better watch your back! I will come down on you like an avenging angel with the fury of a thousand suns!
I look forward to pouncing upon you from the shadows like a sneaky shadow thing.
I'll be waiting, and I hope you will be too!
-One jobless avenging angel!